Excerpted from ,Who's Got Your Back?: The Breakthrough Program to Build Deep, Trusting Relationships That Create Success--and Won't Let You Fail by Keith Ferrazzi. Italics are from the book, boldface and underlining is my emphasis:
"Have you ever watched little kids as they explore the world beyond their parents' reach? They take a few tentative steps away from Mom and Dad, then come toddling back, just to check in, to make sure all's right. The next time, they wander a few steps further--always testing and expanding what they can do and how far they can go as they gradually work up the confidence to venture out further into the unknown. What gives them the inborn confidence to do this? Deep down, they feel safe, and because of that, they are willing to risk exploring their surroundings. Without that grounding, that insurance policy, they would be far <i>less</i> likely to take risks throughout life. (Ironically, they'll spend most of the rest of their lives playing it safe.)
My own experience has convinced me that the key to unlocking our highest personal and professional potential lies in creating an adult version of that safe place, where we get and give back intimate, honest support when both big and small issues loom. Where we can make mistakes without risking embarrassment or fear; where we can try out new ideas (even if they're lousy ones) and gain confidence along the way.
To reach out to others in a professional setting and take the risks associated with establishing an open, honest, caring relationship with another person, we need to first feel safe. We need to know we can have knock-down drag-out arguments with the people we turn to for advice and support, certain in the knowledge that the relationship will remain intact, or recover, or even be strengthened. That safety comes from a deep level of trust in and respect for the other person. It is usually something that is established over a long period of time through repeated experiences.
What am I saying? To create a close circle of relationships with a few key people in your professional (and personal) life--remember, all you need is three people--you need to establish a safe place for others that gives them permission to take risks and be candid without fear of undermining your relationship together.
The problem? Most companies tell their employees, "Be candid," "Take risks toward innovation," and "Hold one another accountable as a team." But that's impossible! It's putting the cart before the horse. You first must create the underpinnings of trust and respect!
A safe place is an emotional environment--not a physical one--where two or more individuals can feel completely free to take risks. It's an environment where we're completely at ease with both giving and receiving criticism; where we're comfortable knowing that the feedback we get comes from a caring place; where we know the other person respects us, believes in us, and wants only the best for us.
It's easy to create a safe place with two like-minded people. It's more challenging when we're unsure if the other person is willing to act in the same fashion.
When I talk to sales folks, or coach people about having tough conversations at work, one way to begin to establish a safe place is to first get the person physically away from her desk or her home turf. To get people to let down their walls, you have to get them away from an environment where they are used to being walled up (and walled off). Invite the other person out for coffee or a drink, or over for dinner. At home, got a bone to pick with your teenager? Get her out of that poster-filled bedroom and out of the house! Take a walk or go for a drive together.
Each is us is responsible for creating the safe place around us. I'm going to repeat that one more time because it is so important. Each of us is responsible for creating the safe place. It is a conscious choice that we make to create the environment that invites others in. It means putting the other person's safety first and making your intentions clear.
You have to be ready to take the first step, even if it means taking a small risk on your part. So start off slow--with generosity, the first mind-set."
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