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Dec 12, 2006


Kare Anderson

what a fearless, erudite and beautiful post. Re your next one .... "Failure is seldom fatal, Success is seldom permanent.

A helpful book on why we womenen tend to worry more than men - and often aabout the wrong things: The Gift of Fear by Gavin deBecker

How Do Co-Dependent People Behave?

Up until now, women have depended completely upon men for their survival. You're dealing with thousands of years of history, where sexual slavery was the condition. While suddenly the laws may change, to some extent, the conditioning doesn't go away that fast.

Women have been dependent upon men for their survival, for the survival of their children. So what they have done over the centuries is evolve the fine use of sexual power. A woman's place, her entire experience in life, has been and in many places still is dependent upon the man she marries.

It's unfortunate that we see a great many women settling. They think that simply because they have gotten the right to vote, own property and have gained some simple freedoms that the battle for women's suffrage is over.

The male establishment power structure has not really changed its attitude towards women. They did not give these rights to women out of kindness. These rights were fought for by many highly evolved women who cared about the lives of their daughters and granddaughters.

When you wish to subjugate a people, you have to convince them of their own inherent weakness. The social repression and ideological repression of women began with depriving them of education, political decisiveness, mobility and essentially creating sexual slavery.

In the case of the brujos, the sorcerers in Mexico, the Spanish Conquest forced them to develop their second attention.

Men fearing their innate power, pushed woman back into slavery. Woman knowing this was not right but not knowing what else to do, developed the only means to fight for their survival that they had, since their survival was dependent upon men, and that was to use sexuality to survive.

Women have been sexual slaves for most of recorded history.

Women are the sexual slaves of men. They have been convinced that they are the "weaker" sex through a variety of manipulative devices in the Judeo-Christian tradition.

God is seen as a male whose first creation was another man, Adam, whom we are told was made in his image and likeness.

God then made the first woman, not directly out of his own substance, but from Adam's rib. Her purpose was to serve man.

Eve was blamed for the fall of man, and in return all women to come were to inherent her karmic responsibility for the so-called "fall of man". Their punishment was to experience pain in childbirth, and never be trusted by man or God again.

By assessing the creation myth, in which God is a man over earlier creation myths in which God was viewed as a woman, men hoped to prove that the position of supremacy that they had assumed was Divine Law.

With this imaginary mandate from God, men have not allowed women to be given the educational, religious and social freedoms that are necessary for women to free themselves and become all that they are capable of being.

What women have done is developed a survival mechanism, and it's a fascinating one and it's been effective and justified, in my opinion. That is the ability to manipulate men sexually. -Rama


What is a Dysfunctional Family and How Does it Lead to Co-Dependency?

A dysfunctional family is one in which members suffer from fear, anger, pain, or shame that is ignored or denied. Underlying problems may include any of the following:

* An addiction by a family member to drugs, alcohol, relationships, work, food, sex, or gambling.
* The existence of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse.
* The presence of a family member suffering from a chronic mental or physical illness.

Dysfunctional families do not acknowledge that problems exist. They don’t talk about them or confront them. As a result, family members learn to repress emotions and disregard their own needs. They become “survivors.” They develop behaviors that help them deny, ignore, or avoid difficult emotions. They detach themselves. They don’t talk. They don’t touch. They don’t confront. They don’t feel. They don’t trust. The identity and emotional development of the members of a dysfunctional family are often inhibited.

Attention and energy focus on the family member who is ill or addicted. The co-dependent person typically sacrifices his or her needs to take care of a person who is sick. When co-dependents place other people’s health, welfare and safety before their own, they can lose contact with their own needs, desires, and sense of self.

How Do Co-Dependent People Behave?

Co-dependents have low self-esteem and look for anything outside of themselves to make them feel better. They find it hard to “be themselves.” Some try to feel better through alcohol, drugs or nicotine - and become addicted. Others may develop compulsive behaviors like workaholism, gambling, or indiscriminate sexual activity.

They have good intentions. They try to take care of a person who is experiencing difficulty, but the caretaking becomes compulsive and defeating. Co-dependents often take on a martyr’s role and become “benefactors” to an individual in need. A wife may cover for her alcoholic husband; a mother may make excuses for a truant child; or a father may “pull some strings” to keep his child from suffering the consequences of delinquent behavior.

The problem is that these repeated rescue attempts allow the needy individual to continue on a destructive course and to become even more dependent on the unhealthy caretaking of the “benefactor.” As this reliance increases, the co-dependent develops a sense of reward and satisfaction from “being needed.” When the caretaking becomes compulsive, the co-dependent feels choiceless and helpless in the relationship, but is unable to break away from the cycle of behavior that causes it. Co-dependents view themselves as victims and are attracted to that same weakness in the love and friendship relationships.
Characteristics of Co-Dependent People Are:

* An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others.
* A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue.
* A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time.
* A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts.
* An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment.
* An extreme need for approval and recognition.
* A sense of guilt when asserting themselves.
* A compelling need to control others.
* Lack of trust in self and/or others.
* Fear of being abandoned or alone.
* Difficulty identifying feelings.
* Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change.
* Problems with intimacy/boundaries.
* Chronic anger.
* Lying/dishonesty.
* Poor communications
* Difficulty making decisions.
Questionnaire To Identify Signs Of Co-Dependency

This condition appears to run in different degrees, whereby the intensity of symptoms are on a spectrum of severity, as opposed to an all or nothing scale. Please note that only a qualified professional can make a diagnosis of co-dependency; not everyone experiencing these symptoms suffers from co-dependency.

1. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?
2. Are you always worried about others’ opinions of you?
3. Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem?
4. Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you?
5. Are the opinions of others more important than your own?
6. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home?
7. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends?
8. Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be?
9. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others?
10. Have you ever felt inadequate?
11. Do you feel like a “bad person” when you make a mistake?
12. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts?
13. Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a mistake?
14. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts?
15. Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done?
16. Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as the police or your boss?
17. Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life?
18. Do you have trouble saying “no” when asked for help?
19. Do you have trouble asking for help?
20. Do you have so many things going at once that you can’t do justice to any of them?

If you identify with several of these symptoms; are dissatisfied with yourself or your relationships; you should consider seeking professional help. Arrange for a diagnostic evaluation with a licensed physician or psychologist experienced in treating co-dependency.
How is Co-Dependency Treated?

Because co-dependency is usually rooted in a person’s childhood, treatment often involves exploration into early childhood issues and their relationship to current destructive behavior patterns. Treatment includes education, experiential groups, and individual and group therapy through which co-dependents rediscover themselves and identify self-defeating behavior patterns. Treatment also focuses on helping patients getting in touch with feelings that have been buried during childhood and on reconstructing family dynamics. The goal is to allow them to experience their full range of feelings again.
When Co-Dependency Hits Home

The first step in changing unhealthy behavior is understanding it. It is important for co-dependents and their family members to educate themselves about the course and cycle of addiction and how it extends into their relationships. Libraries, drug and alcohol abuse treatment centers and mental health centers often offer educational materials and programs to the public.

A lot of change and growth is necessary for the co-dependent and his or her family. Any caretaking behavior that allows or enables abuse to continue in the family needs to be recognized and stopped. The co-dependent must identify and embrace his or her feelings and needs. This may include learning to say “no,” to be loving yet tough, and learning to be self-reliant. People find freedom, love, and serenity in their recovery.

Hope lies in learning more. The more you understand co-dependency the better you can cope with its effects. Reaching out for information and assistance can help someone live a healthier, more fulfilling life.

Co-Dependents Anonymous
PO Box 33577
Phoenix, AZ 85067
Phone: (602) 277-7991

Family Support America
20 North Wacker Drive, Suite 1100
Chicago, IL 60606
Phone: 312-338-0900
For More Information:

For more information, contact your local Mental Health America affiliate or the national Mental Health America office.


It is such a powerful statement by "Co-Dependents Anonymous." As a man attempting maturity, all I can do is reflect...and join. We've got to change all this. The implicit violence and the deep frustration and the anger. The imagery, the words, provoke listening, provoke another way of being, and action.


How Do Co-Dependent People Behave?

NOTE: The quotes that precede the "Co-Dependents Anonymous" information are from Frederick Lenz, Ph.d

Learn more:

Evelyn Rodriguez

Thanks Kare, Codependents, and Dan for your comments. I am writing from a very raw space right now, as my heart broke open wide yesterday. Could look at that as bad or good, it just is what is so this moment.

This post is not about ultimately about sexuality or power, but it is interesting that it is read that way.

It is however about energy, about life, about not resisting that surrender to Love. As the formless potentia manifests into energy and when it passes through the second chakra, yes it feels highly sexual. As it passes through the third, it feels powerful. Oh, why why stop there? Usually the energy is stopped cold right there in most individuals. So what I am writing about may be slightly foreign if it has not been directly experienced. Foreign, yet not unfamiliar, it is as primal to our essence as original bliss.

There are few women that have not had an eerie/scary experience of sexual abuse, rape or close-calls with date rape. I have a few of my own stories. All involve men I trusted, twice they were fatherly figures, but not family. The last time, I'd just gotten to Oaxaca from spending a workshop with Miguel Ruiz at Teotihuacan, the Mayan ruins known as 'the place where men go to become gods.' I was so open, vulnerable, and loving that I radiated that. It is a simple mistake to interpret that all-encompassing love as being directed specifically at anyone in particular. Anyhow, I was hanging out with one of the guys working at the hostel. Without going into details, I was extremely lucky to talk some sense into him as I was in a very precarious dilemma. I snuck out of the hostel before dawn even though I'd paid the length of my stay.

So, usually we take that experience, and women especially, we tell ourselves it is dangerous to be vulnerable, dangerous to be open, dangerous to be loving, dangerous to have anyone else in the world ever ever pick up that I am radiating joy and abundant overflowing love without end. Look what might happen, does happen. Because somewhere deep inside us, we knew we will also be vibrating something highly charged, highly erotic. Look up the etymology, it goes to Eros, the god of Love.

Truthfully, what happened in Oaxaca, was that I didn't trust it yet. I was wary and I was already imagining that it wasn't wise to be traipsing through Mexico City by bus and then Oaxaca solo with that kind of openness. So it was a measured openness. The true openness knews no defenses...who would you be defending against? Your own Self? But I was scared to walk that way in the real world. Still in many ways am, but I was totally there in April, May, June because I was in that blissful 'drunk on enlightenment' stage of my process.

The crux of the matter, is that energy, nope it is not sexual. Yes, it is sexual too, but god that would be a travesty to constrain it to such a small fraction of its intensity. It is Life itself.

This is not a women-rule or a men-rule kind of blog. I am not into the thing about women being sexual slaves, yada yada. This power I speak about is not about women, not about men, not about you, not about I, it's bigger than that and you don't own it, cannot possibly possess it. Thankfully.

Yes, of course, many times this power scares the bejesus out of me...that's why I wrote this!...but that's when I fall into trap of thinking it's mine or I need to do something with It which is overwhelming because it is infinite. When I stop scaring myself, it's simple - it's just available. I don't need to contain it, understand it, manage it.

I know who "How Do Co-Dependent People Behave?" is. It's a 'friend' worried about my mental health. If I had a quarter for every man that thought I was losing it lately, ah....

Well, anyhow, have you ever noticed that men don't tell other men that they are over-sexed? I have been told I am over-sexed. Most quote over-sexed unquote men, now this is a hypothesis I'm testing, seem to be overmonied too. They are comfortable with this surge and they don't block it because it is not 'safe'.

Now, if I were to squash that energy and I MOST definitely have the first 37 years of my life, poof, my creativity would diminish, my power would diminish, my intuition would diminish, my vitality would diminish, my connection to Source would diminish. The sacral chakra is a vital lifeline. Blocking it to stay 'safe' is not the solution. That's called a very slow dying...

If one gets the impression that I sleep around, you've missed the WHOLE point. Once you let the energy rip through you (and it is a roller-coaster at first), it is really okay. Almost like a craving that just evaporates. You can have the chocolate-chip cookie dough ice cream, or leave it. But you aren't driven wild by the forbidden temptation of wanting ice cream, but forcing yourself not to want it. The allowance of the feeling unleashes the tension. And the choice is now coming more from a place of deeper quieter urge to connect, not a ravenous hunger.

And let's say if it is about sex:
"Sexual activity between two harmonious individuals who are of equal vibration and who have harmonious intent, can greatly accelerate the spiritual sensitivity of both. Each comes away from the encounter with a strong magnetic field which is a part of the partner with whom they have shared. In those who are monogamous in their relationship, and whom have remained firm in their commitment, we find that this is so strong that it is extremely beneficial and powerful as a pathway to spiritual growth. The light, simply put, becomes strong and pure. The subsequent incarnation will be one of great light because the entity carries this balance." - Lama Sing

See also this lovely post about sexuality & consciousness:

Evelyn Rodriguez

p.s. A good friend who knows what he's talking about recommended the book, "The Money Mirror", for women. I think there is a huge connection between sexual hangups and money hangups, in my opinion.

Charles Wyman

Your link to Absinthe is no longer valid, but leads to a pirated off-shore website violating our trademark. To fix the link and lead readers to the real Absinthe Literary Review, simply remove the hyphens so the bas URL link reads . All sub-pages fall in the same relative place.

CAW, editor
The Absinthe Literary Review

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