"I find the very image-conscious culture that we live in to be incredibly oppressive. ...It fascinates me, especially now in this media-driven age, that we're encouraged to purchase a pre-packaged experience rather than have the experience ourselves. ...You see so many people who strive to live the inauthentic life and then they get there and they wonder why they're not happy." --Alan Ball, Creative Screenwriting interview, Jan/Feb 2000 (via Vagabonding blog)
A year ago I could not have written this blog. To say the word "love" (or worse, "surrender" as in letting go not giving up) in a business context would have been inconceivable. I'm blessed now that it takes half-hour after I hit "publish" before I realize - did I actually say that in public !?#!
It feels much more freeing not to worry about censoring myself any longer. I talked with a start-up CEO tonight at the Supernova dinner whom wanted to blog but was concerned about where the line was - what could he say and what shouldn't he say - that he wasn't sure about embarking on the whole thing. I know what he means.
I think that's one reason I quit my first blog. I was doing so much self-censoring and agonizing over it...walking a tightrope...and agony does not equate to something you're going to be motivated to do consistently.
We all worry about being judged. What's the line between "authenticity" and "unprofessionalism"? Being "authoritative" and "too soft"? This blog certainly pushes it. Especially as I work primary in the technology industry (and communications and media)...and this type of blog isn't done if you are selling to the Fortune 500.
“To be nobody-but-yourself - in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else - means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.” - ee cummings
I don't worry so much any more about gaining 'acceptance'. Influence and impact, sure. Acceptance, worry, no. I follow an internal compass rather than take external cues (or, I'd be a dizzy chameleon).
I'm not as analytical as I used to be. I ask strange questions. I don't fit in as neatly in a geek crowd. Other friends (I run in diverse crowds) would say I'm selling out by even working in the heartless technology industry or anything that smacks of greedy capitalists. Yet other friends are aghast I'm not hustling on the next billion-dollar idea and cashing out. And others why I bother with any of it when I could chuck it and backpack around the world.
Away with the world’s opinion of you—it’s always unsettled and divided. -Seneca
I've come to understand though that I'm more of a bridge-builder...I'm not firmly in any one camp...it's not some grand mission kind of thing...just something I am.
I've seen countless really thoughtful people leave technology in past two years and even more leave Corporate America. Most recently two women I know are leaving IT or tech (one's going into a healing profession, the other is in transition - deciding - but leaning towards getting out forever). It's a soul-crushing place to work, they say. There is no fulfillment or meaning, they say. I understand. But for me I can heal right now where I'm at. I can be authentic anywhere.
I realize that we talk about transparency and authenticity and voice.
It's easy to bash companies...but even one-on-one are you being authentic? What are you holding back or not sharing thinking the other person will judge you? What are you afraid they'll think of you? Now widen that interaction with a bigger group...do you speak from your own voice? What are you filtering - consciously or unconsciously? Why is that different than when a corporation filters (they're ultimately comprised of people)?
“Don’t let your throat tighten with fear. Take sips of breath all day and night, before death closes your mouth.” - Mevlana Rumi
I still haven't written about what happened after the start-up blew up and what I've learned in the ensuing few years. I want it to be authentic and that's a hard thing. It's taking longer than I thought to distill.
I thought a lot about authenticity and integrity in 2001. And by integrity being true to who you are. Being whole. Consistently.
I think one of the things I agonized about was not resigning from the start-up after the CFO was fired or even after the CEO was fired (kind of illegally without board approval...but that's beside the point). The last few months of walking on eggshells were gut-wrenching. Even after the doors closed, it just tore me up for months and months and months and months that I stuck around with people I could no longer respect because I was afraid of...I still don't know exactly why I stayed. I asked for external advice. Everyone said stay and look around for the next thing...why be foolish, be practical. Fear said stay. But my heart said go. I overrode my heart. That's not in integrity.
Fear is the cheapest room in the house. I would like to see you living in better conditions. - Hafez
It's easy to bash companies. (Easy to forget there are people working there too.) They aren't transparent enough. They're not authentic enough.
Authenticity starts with individuals. Fear of judgment, fear of loss shuts it down. I practiced first one-on-one - with individuals especially in my most important relationships - before I ever had the courage to do this on the Internet. And I really mean practice...it's not entirely natural for adults to be authentic. We have so many walls of defense built up over years and years of being hurt or judged. I had a fortress myself. But the good news is we're trainable. And there's a big payoff for authenticity. You're free.
I was told I’d be ‘out of my mind’ to go after my dreams...now that I’ve gotten out of my mind by following my heart...I’m living my dream. - Brock Tully
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