we came whirling
out of nothingness
scattering stars
like dust
the stars made a circle
and in the middle
we dance
- Rumi
I once used to try to figure out what "God" wanted for me, as if there were any conflict between Wills.
How I could be of better service to the world, and make a difference? as if that would yield a different movement of action than holding, What makes my heart sing?
"Used to" goes as way far back as 8 a.m. this morning.
"Should I move to the Mission for the summer (in San Francisco)?" I ask the Tarot. It took me a while again to recall that the Tarot is not to tell you what you should do. (Pulling the Oppression card helps jog my memory.)
I am the mistress of my destiny.
I choose.
I know in my heart of hearts. Or, as one of my teachers, says: Allow yourself to know what you know.
The only good the Tarot is for is to confirm that I am not deceiving my own self and selling my vision short. The Tarot never shoulds.
I was in the Mission the other day checking the general scene, and then inside one particular six-bedroom arthouse with an available sublet this summer. Before the meeting, I ate at Cafe Gratitude for the first time.
"What are you grateful for?" is emblazoned on the cafe's T-shirts.
Grateful for? I don't understand. Why pinpoint? Grateful in. Grateful in this Life whatever she brings is how I was feeling right then.
That Tuesday as I board the bus on my way to the Mission and to Cafe Gratitude and to the arthouse, I text a friend, "Pulled 6 Wands today" [Victory]. "Riding in glory?" he asks.
"Mayb. Simpr. Blessed."
Blessed for no particular reason.
If I looked at the externals of my situation that moment, there could be found plenty not to be grateful for. That goes for the whole week plus since I've returned to San Jose from my nine-week adventure in New Orleans. Everything clicked for me in New Orleans. I just so much as thought something, and voila! presto! Life waltzed with me there.
"I'm late! I'm late for a very important date!" buzzed the White Rabbit to Alice as he furiously scrambled about. I feel like Alice in Wonderland myself - mystified. Most people in Silicon Valley are so busy chasing Life, they don't have the inclination to give it or those about them the time of day.
A friend from Nola consoles via SMS: "Leaving here is similar to dying a small death.it takes awhile to get used to living in the other world (regular time usa)." "Reg time?" "Reg time ppl forget to stp to smell the roses"
Much of the time since I've been back, I've been thrown for a loop and energetically disturbed. A few days ago I'd texted same friend in New Orleans:
me: strong field here in the valley [Silicon Valley] of lack...and $ as soln to everything...hoard $ as way to shore up security...brings up my old conditioning & doubt
friend in nola: I find old condi good ref pt
me: yeh odd to c myself revert 2 old ways...which is held in much regard here! living by the grace of god is not
"Where has your desire for comfort and security cost you your aliveness?" - I Am Grateful: Recipes and Lifestyle of Cafe Gratitude
When I order the "I Am Elated" enchilada special stuffed with a tangy pepita sunflower seed pate from the chalk blackboard - maybe it's the festive orange lettering - but the price isn't indicated, and in that moment it doesn't make a difference in what I desire. Lately, I'd envisioned expanding the pop-up nomadic tea-house into the evening hours, yet I don't want to serve alcohol. "Live" (raw) drinks though could be the ticket. Curious, I order the raw cacao smoothie, "I Am Luscious."
It's quite acceptable these days to spill your sex life over into your blog life. I've even heard of a guy polling his readers as to whether he ought to break up with his girlfriend or not.
The greater taboo (and a friend said it'd be more interesting since yawn! we've become unshockably nonchalant with all the DIY porn out there) is to bare your financial life online.
So, when I got the bill for the meal at Cafe Gratitude, I had to gulp.
"Nice touch," I think to myself. "Part of the lesson in abundance is also wrapped up in the bill." I am not referring to the Abounding River game card they attach with a wooden clothespin.
At that moment, I checked in my reactions: Anxiety, check. Imagining a future on the street, check. The Witness part of me follows the visceral energy moving and rising up through my gut and my heart and up, up away. Simple awareness transmutes everything, releases.
Whoa, don't let the dreadlocked "don't worry be happy" vibe fool you... this ain't for the cavorting across the country Volkswagon bus crowd: Check plus tip will amount to a $24.00 lunch. And that amounts to half of all my liquid funds to date - and my rent is overdue. (And it's $16.00 - rounded up - roundtrip from SF to SJ on public transportation.) (p.s. I own no credit cards, no car, no TV, etc by choice.)
I can't do gratefulness as a practice. Or appreciation as a practice. It feels too contrived. I'm catapulted back to my mom telling me to eat my peas and carrots and I must finish the whole plate because "those kids are starving in Ethopia."
"Well then," I remember muttering, "ship them these peas and carrots. I don't want them."
But I do know that even when I am completely so-called broke, I can typically magically unearth something tucked (way way in the back) in the pantry. It doesn't cost me a cent to go to my closet and don something vibrant. So I wear a festive azure gypsy skirt and pink pearls while I simmer the bean soup. Ain't nothing stopping me from eating it out of the best china in the cupboard either.
All the while I am consciously aware of a strong pull like the moon exerts on the tides, an overwhelming temptation, to feel sorry for myself and mope around in grey flannel pajamas and eat out of the same pot I heated the soup in and indulge misery.
Yet I don't.
Funny thing, the blessedness never went anywhere the whole doubting time. It is the sun beneath my fog.
"It is an act of spiritual mastery to choose a life that is joyful, even in the midst of great difficulty." - The Hathors via Tom Kenyon, "A Path Through These Turbulent Times", Sept. 8, 2005 (hmmm, a week after Katrina)
Bonus: Joy is security. "Spiritual preparation means to prepare for the possibility of your death through a recommitment to your life—to living and choosing what is essential for ever-increasing experiences of appreciation and joy. It sounds odd, but following your deepest sense of joy will lead you to be in the places where you will most likely survive, should the Earth go into a period of purification." - The Hathors via Tom Kenyon, "A Message for the Life Sustainers", Jan 2, 2005 (not coincidentally written after the tsunami)
And: "It is an extraordinary opportunity to experience hyperdimensional physics in action, for as the superconductive fields increase on the earth in their various forms, you can ride these states of energy into higher and more exquisite states of consciousness. They are, in some very real ways, like doorways into the higher dimensions of earth. They are an invitation to leave your attachment to surface awareness, literally and figuratively, and to enter into the extraordinary mystery and the exquisite birth of a new earth.
At the moment of your own physical birth into this life, you did not know what was happening—only that a great pressure was upon you and a movement you could not stop. This is, in many ways, a similar event for the earth herself. There are new worlds emerging in the midst of the world that is right before your eyes.
The reason you are here is upon you." - The Hathors (via Tom Kenyon), "Managing Subtle Energy During Earth Changes," Feb 3, 2007
p.s. Loofa asked me to share my own dreams/visions more (in addition to encouraging you to follow your own star). Been inclined myself to share that. Hint: It's about "Abundance 2.0." Check out the Tarot card on Abundance too: Exuberance. Friendship. Community.
images Alphonse Mucha's Dance; Ilene Meyer's Ten Note Whirl (don't they look like Fools dancing? In the Universe card, "We dance with the joy of life. And again we are the Innocent" (another name for the Fool is the Innocent); Ilene Meyer's The Magi (it takes a Magi to live willfully in joy - despite our conditioned patterns denying joy)
I have been reading your posts since discovering your blog, always with intention and passion. Now I must not be silent any longer and want to share with you an essay I wrote once, which is relevant to your posts in general, i.e. the idea of the journey from unknowing towards just knowing. I hope this inspires, zaps, and raises awareness that there is joy in the love of living and why so many fail to see this.
When You Know You Know
by
Michael Pokocky
Don't tell me you're content, when the whole world is experiencing economic, political, social, cultural,
environmental and spiritual vertigo, when you know that you aren't; tell me you don't know what to do,
and you're concerned, and I'll believe you.
Don't tell me that we are not capable of changing the world; tell me how we could.
Don't tell me you feel secure in a world, where most people define their lives by the work that they do,
while they're children wait impatiently for attention, while mommy and daddy finish their work.
Don't tell me you actually accept the way things are, when I know that you really don't, no matter how
well you hide it.
Don't tell me the world is a mess when you know we can fix it.
Don't tell me you need to be surrounded by material possessions to feel happy, when what you really
want is to be loved.
Don't tell me you don't have the energy to take care of yourself; and your family; and your problems;
when you know you have a choice.
Don't tell me you long for the day, when you were a child, because you're parents had the moral courage
to be their for you; be there for yourself right now; and for your family; and your friends; and your
community as well.
Don't tell me you live a hurried and busy life and always use the excuse, “I'm too busy,” when you
know all you're doing is running away.
Don't tell me you buy into the dogmas that your leaders are telling you, when you know your inner
voice is telling you something else; explore that part of yourself.
Don't tell me you hate getting up in the morning; find something you love to do and do it, instead of
trying to keep up with the life you hate.
Don't tell me your excuses when you know it's what I want to hear; tell me your fears and your worries
and lets build trust between us, so we can find a better way.
Don't tell me your marriage is falling apart; accept it never existed because one of you was never there.
Don't tell me about all the problems of the world when I already know them; tell me what you are going
to do to fix them.
Don't tell me you don't know what you could do, when you know you have an idea or a vision.
Don't stand there in self pity, when you know you're the one responsible for the choices you made.
Don't tell me you can't face life anymore because you're so sad; I'll show you people who have a
damned good reason to be sad, and yet, they somehow embrace life and the love of living.
Tell me how you wake-up in the middle of the night full of fear and doubt and I'll be there to comfort
you.
Tell me you're afraid and I'll help you find the courage to deal with it, if you are not up to it.
Tell me what your needs and desires are, and I'll tell you you'll feel better if you know that everyone
and everything will find you eventually.
Tell me your angry and I'll show you how to harness the energy of anger to make your dreams come
true.
Tell me you are a warrior and I'll believe you; even if you don't.
Tell me you're a bad parent and I'll show you how much your children love you and need you anyway.
Tell me you need to feel loved and I'll show you that you are already are.
Tell me that one person can make a difference and I'll tell the world your message.
Will you wake up to the knowledge that we, as a collective intelligent people, working together in trust
and harmony, can make our world a better place to live?
Will you recognize your individuality and never back down from this belief in yourself no matter what?
If you can do any one of these things, then I'll tell you we can change, because change is about choices.
Posted by: Michael Pokocky | May 24, 2007 at 11:03 PM