I once used to try to figure out what "God" wanted for me, as if there were any conflict between Wills.
How I could be of better service to the world, and make a difference? as if that would yield a different movement of action than holding, What makes my heart sing?
"Used to" goes as way far back as 8 a.m. this morning.
"Should I move to the Mission for the summer (in San Francisco)?" I ask the Tarot. It took me a while again to recall that the Tarot is not to tell you what you should do. (Pulling the Oppression card helps jog my memory.)
I am the mistress of my destiny.
I know in my heart of hearts. Or, as one of my teachers, says: Allow yourself to know what you know.
The only good the Tarot is for is to confirm that I am not deceiving my own self and selling my vision short. The Tarot never shoulds.
I was in the Mission the other day checking the general scene, and then inside one particular six-bedroom arthouse with an available sublet this summer. Before the meeting, I ate at Cafe Gratitude for the first time.
"What are you grateful for?" is emblazoned on the cafe's T-shirts.
Grateful for? I don't understand. Why pinpoint? Grateful in. Grateful in this Life whatever she brings is how I was feeling right then.
That Tuesday as I board the bus on my way to the Mission and to Cafe Gratitude and to the arthouse, I text a friend, "Pulled 6 Wands today" [Victory]. "Riding in glory?" he asks.
"Mayb. Simpr. Blessed."
Blessed for no particular reason.
If I looked at the externals of my situation that moment, there could be found plenty not to be grateful for. That goes for the whole week plus since I've returned to San Jose from my nine-week adventure in New Orleans. Everything clicked for me in New Orleans. I just so much as thought something, and voila! presto! Life waltzed with me there.
"I'm late! I'm late for a very important date!" buzzed the White Rabbit to Alice as he furiously scrambled about. I feel like Alice in Wonderland myself - mystified. Most people in Silicon Valley are so busy chasing Life, they don't have the inclination to give it or those about them the time of day.
A friend from Nola consoles via SMS: "Leaving here is similar to dying a small death.it takes awhile to get used to living in the other world (regular time usa)." "Reg time?" "Reg time ppl forget to stp to smell the roses"
Much of the time since I've been back, I've been thrown for a loop and energetically disturbed. A few days ago I'd texted same friend in New Orleans:
me: strong field here in the valley [Silicon Valley] of lack...and $ as soln to everything...hoard $ as way to shore up security...brings up my old conditioning & doubt
friend in nola: I find old condi good ref pt
me: yeh odd to c myself revert 2 old ways...which is held in much regard here! living by the grace of god is not
"Where has your desire for comfort and security cost you your aliveness?" - I Am Grateful: Recipes and Lifestyle of Cafe Gratitude
When I order the "I Am Elated" enchilada special stuffed with a tangy pepita sunflower seed pate from the chalk blackboard - maybe it's the festive orange lettering - but the price isn't indicated, and in that moment it doesn't make a difference in what I desire. Lately, I'd envisioned expanding the pop-up nomadic tea-house into the evening hours, yet I don't want to serve alcohol. "Live" (raw) drinks though could be the ticket. Curious, I order the raw cacao smoothie, "I Am Luscious."
It's quite acceptable these days to spill your sex life over into your blog life. I've even heard of a guy polling his readers as to whether he ought to break up with his girlfriend or not.
The greater taboo (and a friend said it'd be more interesting since yawn! we've become unshockably nonchalant with all the DIY porn out there) is to bare your financial life online.
So, when I got the bill for the meal at Cafe Gratitude, I had to gulp.
"Nice touch," I think to myself. "Part of the lesson in abundance is also wrapped up in the bill." I am not referring to the Abounding River game card they attach with a wooden clothespin.
At that moment, I checked in my reactions: Anxiety, check. Imagining a future on the street, check. The Witness part of me follows the visceral energy moving and rising up through my gut and my heart and up, up away. Simple awareness transmutes everything, releases.
Whoa, don't let the dreadlocked "don't worry be happy" vibe fool you... this ain't for the cavorting across the country Volkswagon bus crowd: Check plus tip will amount to a $24.00 lunch. And that amounts to half of all my liquid funds to date - and my rent is overdue. (And it's $16.00 - rounded up - roundtrip from SF to SJ on public transportation.) (p.s. I own no credit cards, no car, no TV, etc by choice.)
I can't do gratefulness as a practice. Or appreciation as a practice. It feels too contrived. I'm catapulted back to my mom telling me to eat my peas and carrots and I must finish the whole plate because "those kids are starving in Ethopia."
"Well then," I remember muttering, "ship them these peas and carrots. I don't want them."
But I do know that even when I am completely so-called broke, I can typically magically unearth something tucked (way way in the back) in the pantry. It doesn't cost me a cent to go to my closet and don something vibrant. So I wear a festive azure gypsy skirt and pink pearls while I simmer the bean soup. Ain't nothing stopping me from eating it out of the best china in the cupboard either.
All the while I am consciously aware of a strong pull like the moon exerts on the tides, an overwhelming temptation, to feel sorry for myself and mope around in grey flannel pajamas and eat out of the same pot I heated the soup in and indulge misery.
Yet I don't.
Funny thing, the blessedness never went anywhere the whole doubting time. It is the sun beneath my fog.
"It is an act of spiritual mastery to choose a life that is joyful, even in the midst of great difficulty." - The Hathors via Tom Kenyon, "A Path Through These Turbulent Times", Sept. 8, 2005 (hmmm, a week after Katrina)
Bonus: Joy is security. "Spiritual preparation means to prepare for the possibility of your death through a recommitment to your life—to living and choosing what is essential for ever-increasing experiences of appreciation and joy. It sounds odd, but following your deepest sense of joy will lead you to be in the places where you will most likely survive, should the Earth go into a period of purification." - The Hathors via Tom Kenyon, "A Message for the Life Sustainers", Jan 2, 2005 (not coincidentally written after the tsunami)
And: "It is an extraordinary opportunity to experience hyperdimensional physics in action, for as the superconductive fields increase on the earth in their various forms, you can ride these states of energy into higher and more exquisite states of consciousness. They are, in some very real ways, like doorways into the higher dimensions of earth. They are an invitation to leave your attachment to surface awareness, literally and figuratively, and to enter into the extraordinary mystery and the exquisite birth of a new earth.
At the moment of your own physical birth into this life, you did not know what was happening—only that a great pressure was upon you and a movement you could not stop. This is, in many ways, a similar event for the earth herself. There are new worlds emerging in the midst of the world that is right before your eyes.
The reason you are here is upon you." - The Hathors (via Tom Kenyon), "Managing Subtle Energy During Earth Changes," Feb 3, 2007
p.s. Loofa asked me to share my own dreams/visions more (in addition to encouraging you to follow your own star). Been inclined myself to share that. Hint: It's about "Abundance 2.0." Check out the Tarot card on Abundance too: Exuberance. Friendship. Community.
images Alphonse Mucha's Dance; Ilene Meyer's Ten Note Whirl (don't they look like Fools dancing? In the Universe card, "We dance with the joy of life. And again we are the Innocent" (another name for the Fool is the Innocent); Ilene Meyer's The Magi (it takes a Magi to live willfully in joy - despite our conditioned patterns denying joy)